“A Little Bit Stronger”

 

The Sleeping Baby Death Grip. Something all parents know quite well. I’m not really a parent myself, but I was a nanny for almost seven years so I know a thing or two. What do I mean, “not really a parent”? Ask my dog.

Why are babies so strong?

I imagine it’s an evolutionary thing. One only needs to look at how modern monkey babies cling to their mothers to imagine primitive human ancestors transporting their babies in a similar way. 

And before anyone gets dyspeptic about me saying humans descended from monkeys, STOP IT!

That’s not what I said. In fact no credible source has ever claimed humans evolved from monkeys. The long-standing scientific theory has been that humans and modern monkeys, apes, etc. came from a common primate ancestor. True, all monkeys are primates, but not all primates are monkeys. Humans, great and lesser apes, prosimians and monkeys are all classified as primates. Much like, every grapefruit is a fruit, but not every fruit is a grapefruit.

Having a common ancestor should not offend anyone, if you go back far enough, everything came from a common ancestor. We are all the great grandchildren of primordial soup. 

………

Some scientists now think that “soup” was actually alien sewage.

This theory supposes that millions upon billions of years ago, alien uh…leavings were somehow deposited on a prehistoric earth, and that the bacteria therein grew into the first primitive life forms capable of eventually evolving into something as complex as a human.

Now, I get it. Monkeys are gross. I really, REALLY do not like monkeys. Some people think they’re funny, or cute, me? Yuck.

But assuming people were claiming humans had descended from monkeys (which, as I said before is not the case) and then some other people were claiming humans descended from alien poo, I think I would be less offended by monkeys.

………

How can people be offended and ignorant at the same time?

I read headlines and supposed “news” all the time that whips me into a froth of ire, but then I do a little research. 

Suppose I saw a headline like, “Studies find brunettes are the least attractive people” I might be offended, being a brunette myself. But then I would check which “studies” they are they referring to and not be offended anymore. Because usually these, “studies” are things like-

“University of Wherever Department of Something students took 17 volunteers and asked them to rate the photos of men and women on levels of attractiveness.”

Which would hardly be a wide enough group of people to provide any kind of conclusive data, and gives no mention of a control group or double-blind blah blah. It’s anecdotal at best. But beyond that, if I were so inclined to do a bit more research, it might be discovered that the photos of non-brunettes they used were of fully made-up models, professionally retouched, and looking gorg. And that the brunette photos were accidental early morning, front-facing-camera selfies with 16 chins and squinty eyes in the sun.

And then I would just be offended that anyone would think that kind of pseudo-nonsense constitutes as “studies find.” Scientific studies are rife with cherry-picking to support weak hypotheses. Just look at the pharmaceutical industry. <- but that’s another, much longer and Violet-frothier topic. 

On the opposite side of non-studies being passed off as real science are people who stop listening at their first comprehension of what is being said, and never accept that they misunderstand. I’m continually shocked to hear some people (if the topic of evolution comes up) angrily exclaim, “I didn’t come from a monkey.”

Of course you did not come from a monkey. You came from the parking lot, and before that your mother, who despite your dim intellect was in fact human. This kind of simultaneous anger and apathy baffles me. How can you care enough to be angry, but not enough to do a little research?

………

What was I even talking about?

Oh, right. Babies and kids having seemingly superhuman strength. 

That’s about it really. Just that it’s a phenomenon parents are no doubt familiar with, and therefore appropriate comic fodder.